The word "triggered" is used a lot in todays world. It's not on my list of favorite words, but it's alive and well in my life. I searched for a synonym for it, and came up with flashback, which is what I'll go with today.
I don't talk about this often, but most of my regular readers are aware that my brother Mahlon died of what initially looked like an apparent heroin overdose a little over six months ago.
It has been hard, but I'm doing okay for the most part. That is … until someone starts talking about addicts and their opinions of the epidemic or in some instances, making jokes about the use of illegal substances. When ever that happens I am all kinds of not okay.
It happened again yesterday. I was sitting there at homeschool group having a pleasant conversation with one of the other Moms while our children were in one of their classes. Someone else stopped by the church where our group meets and walked over to join us and turned the conversation to completely different topics that included how a young woman who is struggling with addiction has been written off by her family, which is as it should be, the person talking said in an assured manner.
Every fiber of my being wanted to get up, and run away. It was hard to breathe, my hands became cold and clammy, and a knot formed in my stomach. It was a physical struggle to remain sitting and try to tune out the conversation. A silent prayer whispered under my breath for strength, and then in my mind I was a young girl in my bare feet running through the flower filled meadow of my childhood with Mahlon, far away from this awful conversation.
I'm hoping I won't always have these reactions, but for now "flashbacks" are something I deal with.
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I am so sorry to hear this. I did not know about your brother's passing. That is so very sad. People tend to be very insensitive,sometimes knowingly and sometimes unknowingly.
ReplyDeleteI don't think this was done purposefully. I don't like the reaction I have when the topic comes up unexpectedly, and it has reminded me how some topics might be best to not discuss in group settings where it may affect people in ways the one speaking never intended it to.
DeleteI just started reading your blog,and didn't know about your brother either. I'm so sorry. I'm so glad you have some good memories to remember him by.
ReplyDeleteMy family also had/has members who struggle with addiction. As you mentioned it does change how I see people with drug problems and how I feel when I hear the type of comments you experienced.
I'm so sorry you have had first hand experience with this. Prayers.
DeleteI did not know about your brother's death. That would be traumatic to hear such thoughtless words. I hope you continue to heal from your loss.
ReplyDeleteI'm hoping this type of reaction when this topic arises unexpectedly is a temporary thing.
DeleteI am so very sorry! How unkind and judgmental! May the Lord continue to help and strengthen you. I'm so glad you remember the good times with Mahlon.
ReplyDeleteI'm so very thankful for happy memories!
DeleteI am so sorry you had to hear that. My family has been impacted by addiction as well, and it is so hard.
ReplyDeleteI'm so very sorry your family has been impacted by addiction as well. It's hard!
DeleteOh, Mary Ann, how horrible! I knew your brother had died unexpectedly, but you didn't give a reason. As Clisby said, addiction affects so many families, and that unkind woman may someday have it hit her family, too. Nobody *decides* to become an addict! It sneaks up on you - pain meds following an operation is a common route. I had neck surgery in 2015 and was given thirty-day prescriptions for TWO very strong meds - to be taken every 6 hours. Yeesh! What was the doctor thinking!!
ReplyDeleteI'm always amazed to hear of cases where doctors prescribe SO MUCH pain medicine. I've several times had oral surgery, where the periodontist would prescribe a measly 3 days of pain medicine, and if I needed more I had to go back in for a check (I don't think she suspected I would get addicted after 3 days - I think she just wanted to make sure I wasn't still in pain because of problems healing.) I wasn't upset - I just thought she was being extra-careful. When my husband had a kidney removed in 2005, his doctor would prescribe pain meds only a week at a time. Then I heard from a friend here that when he broke his collarbone, he left the ER with a 10-day prescription, and after a followup exam, got 30 days' worth. It's crazy. I'm all for compassionate pain relief, but doctors need to be a lot more careful. I'm under the impression that's improving, but not sure.
DeletePlus, I'll get up on my soapbox again about people not thinking before they spout off opinions that easily could be hurtful to others. You don't have to speak every idea that comes into your head.
Mahlon's addiction started due to pain medication.
DeleteThe following is what I had posted on my Facebook the day we received the news that he had died.
I was nine years old when I became the big sister to a tiny baby brother. He was the sweetest little bundle of joy you ever did meet. I remember rushing home from school every day and running into the house to scoop him up from where ever he was playing. He always seemed just as happy to see me, as I was to see him.
When he was a toddler we were inseparable. I would read to him, play with him, when it was bedtime I was the one holding his little hand as we walked up the stairs to go to bed where I'd tuck him in before heading to my room. I was the one who fetched him water in the middle of the night, and comforted him when he had a bad dream.
I loved all my siblings, but somehow there was an extra special bond between the two of us.
As he grew older, he no longer needed me for drinks in the middle of the night, or have bad dreams chased away. We were still very close though, but now we talked about books instead of me reading them to him. We loved singing together. We went for hikes in the woods every Sunday afternoon. He helped me with dishes, chattering incessantly the entire time, but I enjoyed it. We played endless games of Scrabble and Uno, just the two of us.
He was ten when I got married, he was sad, but it wasn't long before he was coming over almost every afternoon to help me in the garden, mow the yard, or on occasion when there was nothing that pressing to do we would pull out a board game. When my husband and I welcomed our first son a year later, my brother was thrilled to be an uncle. He continued coming over regularly. I was so thankful for his help baby sitting.
My parents moved when he was fifteen and we wrote letters every week, and called when we could.
When he was eighteen he started working for a construction company. While on the job he fell off a roof and suffered extensive injuries. He was in a coma for a week, and when he woke up he was asking for me. When it was time to be released from the hospital he still needed care. My husband and I were glad to provide a room and care for him in our home.
Due to his serious injuries the doctors had him on strong pain medication. Oxycodone and Vicadin. I was concerned at how long he seemed to be in pain, but was glad the doctors were able to control it. (Oh if only we had known.)
After four months they no longer prescribed it, and said he was healed. He moved back to his apartment in another state.
I watched helplessly from the sidelines as he made one wrong choice after the next. Having become dependent on pain medication he went searching for something to replace it. He found it in heroin.
He fought that addiction for years, and years. And finally it seemed he was winning the battle. He was clean for months, but last night he slipped up one final time. It proved to be fatal.
My heart is completely broken.
Oh my, this really breaks my heart. What a precious bond you two had from his very birth! I am so, so sorry for his struggle and the way his life ended. ((((Hugs)))))
DeletePeople speak without thinking of the effect of their words. I'm sorry, that must have been so upsetting for you.
ReplyDeleteI don't know why I have these reactions when the topic arises unexpectedly, but I hope it isn't permanent.
DeleteFor some reason one on one conversations don't bother me, or when someone posts something on Facebook I can choose to read or scroll on by without panic setting in.
Hugs and love. Praying.
ReplyDeleteThank you!
DeleteThere aren't many families unaffected by this awful epidemic in some way in today's society. We should all be aware of what we say & how it might affect others.
ReplyDeleteIt's so incredibly sad how many lives have been ruined and loved ones affected by this horrible epidemic.
DeleteI totally understand your reaction. There are so many things we used to make passing comments or jokes about without ever thinking how it might affect those listening. When you have experienced pain unknown to others, you become especially aware of those comments. Pain, as hard as it is, makes us more compassionate people.
ReplyDeleteMary Ann, as you and Clisby stated, a lot of this stems from prescribing too much, and too many, pain meds. I knew the doctor had given me too much, used what I needed, and hung on to the rest. (My husband has a hereditary condition that often causes him severe pain, and it's good to have something stronger than aspirin for emergencies. Technically, this is illegal but. . .) The law in many states prevents doctors from prescribing more than 5 days of pain killers, and pharmacists are also keeping an eye on things.
ReplyDeleteMy state (SC) just passed restrictions last year, but it just limits the initial prescription to 7 days in cases of acute pain or postoperative pain. I don't think it's strict enough, because if a patient goes back after the initial 7 days, the doctor can prescribe any number of refills. I guess it takes care of people like me, whose wimpiness about pain is exceeded only by my dislike of going to the doctor, so unless I REALLY needed more pain meds, I wouldn't get any after the first 7 days. But in my opinion, it still opens up the possibility of abuse for people who genuinely need more than a week (a week was definitely not enough for my husband to recover from having a kidney removed) but shouldn't just be handed a 30-day or more prescription refill. The law defines "acute" pain as pain the doctor reasonably thinks will be over in 3 months or less - but 3 months is a long time to be taking opioids without some serious scrutiny.
DeleteSC also instituted a prescription report card, which might actually do more because it tracks data like how many pain meds are prescribed by each doctor in the state; along with tracking things like how many patients get at least 3 refills; how many patients are filling pain med prescriptions at multiple pharmacies, etc. My speculation is that the fact that this information is being collected will do more than the 7-day limit to help.
I feel so bad for you. Grief is such an individual thing. I have often struggled in knowing what to say to my daughter, whose 20 yr old son died 2 yrs ago from an overdose. Emotionally, she has been all over the place and I just do my best to accommodate her. There is no right or wrong way to grieve or react to things like this. I am kind of ashamed to admit this, because we don't have something like your brother's terrible accident to blame it on. My 20 yr old grandson did NOT want to die nor was he remotely thinking he was risking it. He mixed 2 medications together and they can be lethal for many, but lots of people get away with it. Then, her step son, who was 26 at the time ( 3 yrs ago) began to use heroin. He overdosed and was given the Narcan, I don't know how many times, but he was pronounced dead. He sat up on the way to the morgue. He overdosed again after the death of the 20 yr old, was blue and not breathing, but thankfully a policeman was close to the scene and was able to revive him. My daughter later found out that he had overdosed more times than this, that she never found out. We don't give up on this young man, but it is hard to believe he is going to make it. Like I said, and you know, there are stages of dealing with such a tragedy. People try to define them, but you just need people to respect what you are feeling. And at home, I am sure you do. My daughter never knows when she is going to need to talk about it. That seems to be how grief goes. She was really hurt by strange comments that people made. I am sure some meant well, but it seems like there are a lot of people out there with who don't think much before they speak.
ReplyDeleteI will pray for your comfort, dear one.