Our transition from being Amish to, well, not being Amish has been interesting in many different ways. I still find it interesting to compare things that are considered proper and polite in one culture that would be considered offensive and rude in another.
One such thing is among the Amish when we invited someone to come to our house for a meal we expected them to come with nothing except a hearty appetite. To have asked what food to bring along or showing up with something would have been an insult to the hostess and her cooking abilities.
After we left the Amish and people asked me what they could bring I realized they were used to offering to bring something along out of being considerate and helpful, and I now find myself accepting those offers every once in a while and even, gasp, asking what I can bring when we get an invitation. It really does help when preparing all the extra food to not have to be responsible for everything, but I will still refrain from showing up at an Amish house carrying a salad or some kind of dessert.
Edited to add: If you want to visit the Amish and take some kind of gift along food or otherwise they won't be offended. The offer of bringing food is insulting only within the community.
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Interesting... I must say, I like the Amish way.
ReplyDeleteIt's such a difficult thing... Trying to figure out "what to bring."
And the Amish way is based on common sense. If a someone invites you to their home to eat, they intend to FEED you. And have wine for you too, if you all drink wine. So why, why, why did the silly custom of bringing-something, begin? Yish...
Gentle hugs,
~♥~
Pretty new blog look here. :-) I always want to notice when bloggers bother to change their blog look!
ReplyDeleteBut your past simple one, was lovely too.
Gentle hugs,
~♥~
I think this is a fairly recent social thing. MMy mother was a great entertainer and often had people to dinner in the 50s and 60s but I don't remember others coming with food. I do remember everyone dressing like they were going to church with suits and ties and all the rest! I think perhaps as women have gone to work full time our society has changed and in order to socialize they've learned to all pitch in and make it less stressful for each other. Just my guess! I entertain a lot as well and usually decline all offers to help, but when its a huge crowd I'm happy for the assistance!
ReplyDeleteIf I have some one over I usually tell them they dont have to bring a thing. But if we are going somewhere I always feel bad if I dont bring anything! Even if its just some thing small like some type of bread..
ReplyDeleteI was born and raised in Germany and there it is customary to bring a "hostess"gift,be it flowers,wine or chocolate,so for me it wasn't a big leap to contribute to dinner.When we were young and poor our group of friends simply shared in the expense of get togethers by sharing the food. Now it is fun to bring something and get asked for the recepie :)
ReplyDeleteThis is useful information, Mary Ann. I often share in meals at my Amish friends' homes, and I have never offered to bring anything. However, on Easter Monday, because it was a "holiday" and a big meal, I did bring a present for the frau--one of the "Chicken Soup" books. Now I will know not to offer to bring treats.
ReplyDeleteThis is not a new thing. I am 74 years old and since I was a child my mother had always stressed that you never visit someone empty handed. Even if you only bring a little cake.
ReplyDeleteMy upbringing was like Gerri's (not in Germany, though) - it was customary to take a small hostess gift, but not food. (Well, I guess technically wine and chocolate are food, but you didn't take them with the expectation they'd be served at that particular meal.)
ReplyDeleteIt wouldn't occur to me to take food to a dinner party unless it was planned as a pot luck. I like pot lucks and think they're a very practical way to socialize; and there isn't any question about *whether* to bring food, since bringing food is kind of the point.
I don't expect guests to bring anything but themselves to dinner at our house. "Different strokes for different folks" is the rule these days. I do always take a hostess gift though just as our way of saying we appreciate the invitation.
ReplyDeleteI never expect anyone to bring anything, and I try to tell them not to worry about it if they ask, but I still insist on bringing something myself! Isn't that funny?! Growing up, our family was large, so when we to someone's home, we were usually going to a game night, etc, so everyone brought something. My mom would never go anywhere without taking something! So now I feel as though I need to contribute something as well, even its just some cookies or a dessert.
ReplyDeleteGrowing up, we always took something to share in the meal. I was also taught to never return a dish without something in it, cookies, cake...
ReplyDeleteNow, each year my hubby and I host a large BBQ around July 4th. We usually feed around 70 people. The first year or two we prepared all the food ourselves. Now that our 7 kids are all grown and have families, they help. It's nice to share the cooking with them and they now usually call even when coming for a weekend and tell us what they are bringing. They never come one at a time, it's always two or three families at least! Lots of fun and food.
Regina
Interesting.. Of all my Amish friends and all the meals I've had I always asked what I could bring.. and they always told me me something and I brought it.. Thanks for sharing.. God Bless
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing! I have wondered what some of the differences are and how your family has felt experiencing them.
ReplyDeleteIt is interesting that your topic today is bringing things along to meals you're invited to.
ReplyDeleteWe have invited people over for dinner for years during our married life. I personally had to get use to people asking me, "Is there anything I can bring?" I decided after being completely unprepared with an answer a few times that I would give those who ask a choice between a salad or dessert. I realized that many people WANT to bring something to be helpful, so I usually give them a choice of what to bring. Many people who have larger families, I'm finding, are very touched by the invitation alone (because they don't get very many) that they want to bring something out of the kindness of their heart. The point for me was to encourage giving, but not make it necessary.
When we invite people over, it is to get to know them better, to forge stronger friendships and for Christian fellowship. Offering hospitality is something we absolutely love to do.
Blessings,
Regina
In the USA where I was raised, it was usually the hostess gift tradition if coming for a meal or visiting from out of town.
ReplyDeleteNow, living in South Africa, with the very high cost of living, many people bring drinks when asked out to someone's home for a meal (juices, soft drink, wine) as this is often a costly part of the meal. They don't ask what to bring; they just come with the drinks in hand. But, sometimes the hostess will ask if they could bring something to drink.
Isn't it funny how tricky a simple thing like going to someone home for dinner, or asking someone to come, can be?
ReplyDeleteI, for one, am thrilled when I'm asked out and told not to bring anything - even though I love to cook, and I really don't mind helping if it's needed. I have friends who just aren't comfortable showing up empty handed, and other who I can just tell to "bring themselves".
I think the custom of bringing a food item for dinner or a party has grown out of the fact that many women work full time now outside the home, and preparing a huge meal can be an onerous task; friends want to lighten the load. I think many of us also long for a greater sense of community & sharing, so contributing to a communal meal is rewarding as well as fun.
ReplyDeleteVery interesting! I was nodding when I read Amanda's comment above... "I never expect anyone to bring anything, and I try to tell them not to worry about it if they ask, but I still insist on bringing something myself!" I do the same thing. Funny how there are all these unspoken "rules". Someone could fill a book with them. :)
ReplyDeleteIf we're just having one family over for supper I don't expect or want them to bring anything, but if we have several families over at once, it's nice to have some help with the side dishes or desserts.
ReplyDeleteCultural differences are everywhere as when I grew up it was a custom to always bring the hostess a gift rather it was flowers, a box of candy, a hand made handkerchief or a dish with food in it with the intent of her keeping the dish. We would never think of showing up to family gatherings or strangers without something for the hostess. My mother started us very young making things by hand to take to the hostess of any gathering we were invited to. She even thought of us to make an extra gift just in case one of our little friends had forgotten to do so. We would give them the gift so they would not be empty handed. We never came home with the extra gift.
ReplyDeleteOur family gatherings were huge and to think of only one woman fixing all the things for a gathering of over 100 people was just not acceptable. Therefore, my mother, aunts and great aunts always called each other to see how the menu would be done and coordinate the event among them. In the Sunday newspaper, there was a column on etiquette, it seemed everyone we know red it, so my mother paid very close attention to the column and tried to instill the information into her young daughters.
However, the trend in society was towards more casual if not ruder manners, etiquette was considered outdated and many of the matriarchs within my family were astonished at the brash new manners and often offended by such conduct. A few years back Good Morning America talk show had sent a reporter out to set up some situations to see how the public at large behaved. They entitled the piece, “Is America getting ruder”, and the conclusion was unfortunately, a resounding, yes.
It is interesting that now there are a lot of websites set up to teach etiquette and they are doing very well. There is a return of finishing schools with the agenda of teaching the lost art of etiquette. George Washington had written a book on the subject that is now in reprint. One long ago quote stated that etiquette is simply the golden rule lived out in society to keep peace and civility. Our government employs the service of domestic protocol to keep the customs and manners of dignitaries in line with those of foreign ones so there can be no offenses at gatherings. My great aunts would be please to see a return to at least part of society of such things.
Mrs. J.
Interesting. And it was interesting reading all the different comments on this too.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I don't do much entertaining, but on the odd time I have had people that weren't family here for dinner it's been me who has supplied all the food. I mean, I invited them to dinner, so it makes sense to me that I'd supply the food. If it's for a party type of thing then sometimes people will bring something, but usually it's a case of I invited you, so just bring yourself.
In our family, it has been the custom to rotate Christmas, Easter and Thanksgiving dinners. The hostess prepares the main dish and the mashed potatoes, and everybody else brings something.
ReplyDeleteWe usually entertain at home because we are vegetarians and most people go into a panic over what to feed us, but if somebody asks to bring something, I'll suggest a salad or dessert.
My grandmother had a hard and fast rule that "Guests never enter the kitchen", so I guess people didn't bring food "back in the day". She expected family members to bring her coffee or whatever, rather than walking out and pouring it herself. After all, she was a guest in their home!
I learn so much coming here...love it.
ReplyDeleteI also love the beautiful Spring look.
Lavender never was one of my favorite colors when I was a child but as I've grown older I LOVE IT...your blog is so pretty (and informative)
Karen
I loved reading this post. I have had similar differences in between my husband's family and what I am used to. We are from the same state but there still is a big difference in things that we are used to. Thanks for this post! =)
ReplyDelete